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UC PIQ · excerpt Sample
Toddler English
Evolving my approach, I immersed myself in the dilemma rather than observing from the sidelines. The rest of that summer, I spent my time in the daycare designing flashcards, implementing new activities, and pulling together a presentation that I presented to teachers and parents …
1 Cut this. Start with what you did.
2 What was on the flashcards?
3 Says it twice. Say it once.
Rubric
Cliché avoidance 2
Leans on stock phrases.
Personal specificity 2
Names the fix, never shows it.
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Draft 1 · with comments
Evolving my approach, I immersed myself in the dilemma rather than observing from the sidelines. The rest of that summer, I spent my time in the daycare designing flashcards, implementing new activities, and pulling together a presentation that I presented to teachers and parents, navigating them through the fog of language barriers. By summer’s end, chaos gave way to curiosity, and Ms.Feng, the toddlers, and I spoke a shared language.
4 Stock phrase. Show a toddler.
Rubric Scored 0–5
Voice consistency 4 / 5
Cliché avoidance 2 / 5
Stock phrases: “the fog of language barriers,” “chaos gave way to curiosity.”
Hook strength 4 / 5
Personal specificity 2 / 5
You name the fix but never show it.
Structure 4 / 5
Overall note
What you built that summer is the proof, and it gets one sentence. Cut the line about your approach and spend those words on the flashcards and what the toddlers did with them.
Draft 2, by the same student Every word yours
I took it upon myself to create twenty color-coded flashcards to bridge the gap, pairing Chinese characters with visual cues. Turning snack time into a game, I saw the toddlers learn to connect with Ms. Feng and each other …
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The rest of that summer, I spent my time in the daycare designing flashcards, implementing new activities, and pulling together a presentation that I presented to teachers and parents, navigating them through the fog of language barriers.
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By summer’s end, chaos gave way to curiosity, and Ms.Feng, the toddlers, and I spoke a shared language.
4 Stock phrase. Show one thing a toddler did instead.
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